It's My Blog and I'll Cry If I Want To
I find myself up and crying by 5 a.m. today. Last night, the ever-so slight dizziness I’ve been feeling suddenly got worse. I feel drunk, without the joy of a cold martini in my hand (oh how I miss those). I rack my overburdened brain trying to figure out what it could be. I know this time it’s not my malaria pills because it came too long after I took them. Is it a side effect of my high dose IV antibiotics? Is it yeast overgrowth in my body? Yeast can sometimes cause dizziness and antibiotics breed yeast. Maybe that’s it. Or, is it a variation of my usual Herx reaction, which is telling me the medication is working to kill off whatever Lyme bacteria is happily using my body as a playground? Figuring me out is a job I don’t want anymore. It’s way too big. It's too much responsibility. I did it faithfully for years but I’m out of ideas.
Should I hold off on upping the dose of my antibiotics as planned? Should I forge forward because that’s what I always do? Is my body telling me I need a break, or is that too risky? Is my body even saying anything at all?
I’m looking for signs but I don’t see any. My doctor is 13.5 hours calling time away (and it’s Sunday night there). Even if he answers, there are no guarantees he’ll know how to help. It’s all on me (sigh).
This is a tough disease. There is no black or white about it. Lyme Disease patients live in the gray areas of diagnosis, treatment and recovery. Like it or not, I’m supposed to listen to my body, feel it out, and know what’s best. Well, what if I don’t? Admittedly, I’ve been here before, many times, and eventually I find my way no matter how painful and slow.
It seems that if anyone should have a sense of what to do, it should be me -- the person who has been hosting this invisible nuisance for way too long, all while aggressively encouraging it to leave my tired body. The best I can do is guess and with all those baby stem cells trying to do their job, guessing just doesn’t seem good enough.
Homesickness creeps in most at times like these. What I wouldn’t give to cuddle on the couch with a plate of comfort food, and a football game on TV. But, it’s also times like these that make me remember I am here for a reason. I really believe one day, all these little things (like medicine or not, and why in the world am I spinning?) will just be questions I had to find answers for on the way to wherever this winding, uneven path I’m traveling leads.
When I get there, I’ll look back at this time and say, “Ohhhh, that’s how it was supposed to go.” And even though I know all too well that everyone must take their own journey, if I can just tell someone where a few shortcuts might be hidden, it will make this road seem a little less bumpy when I look back.
Until then (go ahead, sing), I’ll just cry if I want to....cry if I want to.....you would cry too if it happened to you (da, da, da, da, DA).
*The title for this blog was borrowed from one particular blog that struck my heart -- although it's been the topic and title of many posts across the net. Please visit The Lori Miller Memorial Project.
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"if I can just tell someone where a few shortcuts might be hidden, it will make this road seem a little less bumpy when I look back."
That's a great way to think about it. I'm proud of you Amy. =)
"a football game on TV."
I can't lie to you Amy. I'm not a football fan but my friends tell me the games have been pretty kickass lately.
If it is any consolation, the writer strike is still on, so everything else on TV is just crap.
Amy
Some days are just filled with indecision and we try our hardest to figure it all out. Some days it seems we can make progress and other days, it seems like a waste of our energy.
Hope everything falls into place for you and the answers will soon be obvious.
If not, sometimes crying is all that's left and thank goodness for the softest tissues we can find.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it is the Hex reaction.
And there's nothing wrong with crying, keep going with it. I find tears can be healing.
Hi there Amy! It's Lauren (Phoebe's daughter). I have finally finished reading your blogs. Your journey sounds amazing. I read what you write with the highest hopes that maybe one day it could help cure my disease. As far as the crying goes...if getting these ESC's is like being in the early stages of pregnancy, then just consider it normal. At least that's how it was for me and considering EVERYTHING you've gone through over the past few years, you definately deserve to just "let it all out". I am so proud of you!
Enjoy your cry for now and wheb you're done lift your chin back up and keep forging foward...I know you're on the right path,,I can just feel it. If you want to e-mail me privately, you have my address. Say hi to mom & dad for me/
Dear Amy,
I pray it's only Herx and that you'll be back on steady feet right away. But in the mean time consider us all a shoulder to cry on and let it out. We don't mind! Those tears are also therapy and we're all pulling for you. I can't resist not telling you how courageous you are for writing even when you don't feel like it. You're a great inspiration for others. I'm proud of you!
Indo-American Dad
Amy
They say that tears are the cleansers of the soul. Hey, maybe they can even get rid of the yeast, the Lyme, the babesia and any other bad critters floating around your system.
Happy Tuesday in India.
On Friday it will be one month that you've been in India. You're halfway there right!?
Quit that!;) Nono crying! Nah, you're entitled. I'm sorry your body is messing around with you. Amy, yoour body is fighting and fighting this disease is probably the hardest thing you'll ever do. Try to take some good deep breaths when those feelings creep up on you. You're halfway done!
We're trying to get all of our webs untangled so that everything falls into place so Will can be there soon enough. Is he gonna cry like a pregnant woman?!;) Ughh, I can hear it now....wah wah wah
I hope I made you laugh...
Lots love and smiles,
Marci
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