What's In A Cure?

I have been trying to post an update for days now with miserable success. I’ve opened numerous new documents and none of the words that my fingers type fit the page just perfectly. I have had two spinal procedures in the last five days chocked full of memorable moments; all which have rendered me wordless (and not even necessarily in some profound way). They have come and gone with no concrete ideas on what is important or relevant enough to blog about.

As Dr. Ashish slowly injected the syringes full of embryonic stem cells into my spine yesterday, I took deep breaths inhaling them in through the pain. A heavy feeling crushed my lower back as they settled into my body. It was all I could do through the strange sensations, to whisper a near silent welcome to my new cells, that no one but I could hear. After five consecutive hours of bed rest, I am back on my feet today, unable to sit still. I find that these days my challenges come in totally different manifestations than ever before. It seems lately, I struggle with the impossibility of stillness. I want to move. I want to go, do, see. It washes over me and I am unstoppable. It is not an urge to partake in anything grand. It is just the inability to remain physically stagnant -- simply because I don’t have to anymore. I sat and reclined for literally years of my life and now I find myself standing for no reason at all. I stand when I type at my computer. I stand when I blaze through pages in my book. I stand because standing is a possibility now; and I have at last found security after being stable for six months, in knowing that standing with strength and without pain will always be my reality.

My emotions are raw lately. I tear up at all the wrong things, at all the wrong times. But I also laugh so hard I can’t breathe; and live so freely that the world sometimes disappears. The novelty of a life so newly relinquished is still vibrant. This trip has re-infused me with so much, in so many different ways. There is a home here that I cannot even begin to explain.

As I tap the keys on my laptop tonight, I am finally comfortable in the quiet. I am exhausted from fighting the need for movement and bargaining with myself to slow down. I have just realized it doesn’t matter. My mind is humming with busy thoughts and projects I’ve been working on. Meditation and a relaxed mind don’t suit me now. So, I have decided to give up. Society tells us that we need quiet time to reflect and calm our minds. I’m breaking all of the rules. I know who I am. I had years of nothingness to fill and I have determined I’m stocked up for quite some time now. So, I will continue to do all the things that can add up to tiredness while a body heals. I'll use the stairs always just because I can now; make trips to the bank long before I need to (so not my style); and wander down the street with no specific destination, just to absorb the chaotic energy of the city, even if the heat drains me. I will rest as much as my baby stem cells need, but not more just because I think I should.

One day, when I am ready, I will slow down and relax. Dr. Shroff and Dr. Ashish giggle when they see me running around. They tell me I don’t look like a patient. I’ve always been told that, but the feeling of being sick overcame my apparently healthy appearance. It no longer does now.

I once gave away my secret to my ever so devoted but medically unable to help immunologist. With a thick Japanese accent and broken English dripping from his lips, he always asked on our follow-up phone appointments, “How you look now? When I see you, you look so good.” After several conversations, I divulged all. “Dr. O,” I said…“Bleached blonde hair and blue eye make-up can fix anything.” We laughed together at the absurdity, but also at the truth of the time. I always wondered if I stayed sick forever, if that's all it would take.

Since my last trip to Delhi, I skip my make-up way too often and my hair is several shades darker. And still, I look healthy. Despite the few things that are still in the process of fully healing, the feeling of sick has been cleared from my being.

I keep asking myself the same questions over and over. How can I thank two people, who because of their indomitable spirits, have instilled hope in an otherwise hopeless situation? And, how can I live every day knowing I have this gift while so many others continue to suffer? As of now, there are no answers and I have to be okay with that until they come.

I am thankful today that I was unable to judge the depths of my own illness during the worst times. Looking back, I really do believe I would have died fighting. I am amazed how I could be unknowingly protected from a now obvious reality. I can’t think of these things too much because the ‘what if’s’ and ‘close calls’ of a path I narrowly escaped from, still scare me.

I wish I could find my world-renowned immunologist from years ago, now. He has moved to Japan, but I owe him an update. Dr. O, if you are out there.....I may have given you a false impression. Hair dye and eye make-up can only take you so far.

For everything else, there is only one road to wellness. I followed my heart to this crazy city, full of unknowns and without the support of Western medicine. I have met an entire world here that I never even knew existed. So many patients have asked if embryonic stem cells are a cure for Lyme Disease. I am not a doctor who can fairly make a scientific call on a cure. But I feel that by combining stem cells to rebuid the body and the immune system, and aggressive antibiotic therapy to demolish the bacteria, health can finally be an option.

I can only speak as a patient -- one who has endured needles and pain and tests that told me nothing and doctors who threw up their hands and days of hopelessness and medication that made me worse and times of wondering, “Is this really it?” And tonight as I sit still in my room long enough to write for the first time in a week, I can hardly stop typing. The cure is not in any one thing with the sole goal of alleviating debilitating symptoms. It is also in what you learn on your way.

Through two incredible physicians and a light inside me that no disease could ever dim; I have found more than I knew possible. I found the eternal confirmation to follow my heart even if it leads me to scary places. I found safety in going against mainstream. I found a knowingness that these cells were what my body needed. And in all of that so-called bravery and determination and pioneerism that some say I have -- which led me to board a plane to a third world country where I’d meet two angels that dress up as doctors -- I found that I knew best all along. I found that my body was lost but my spirit knew exactly where I was going. I found that timing is truly everything. I found a world without symptoms and pain and disease. And I do believe I found my cure through embryonic stem cells.

After all, I found life.

Permalink | 4 comments

Email this | Subscribe | Delicious | Digg | StumbleUpon | Facebook | Technorati

About Amy B. Scher

A passionate author, pioneering patient, and sassy spirit with just enough sweetness to get me by, I live by my self-created motto: when life kicks your ass, kick back.Amy B. Scher's profile Amy B. Scher's blog